How Jesus Ruined Christmas For me

Robb said this more eloquently than I could. He’s a singer / song writer after all. …….☮ph

some blog named robb

How Jesus ruined Christmas for me

Yeah, you heard me. He ruined it for me.

When i was young, Christmas was ALL ABOUT ME!!!

And frankly, I LIKED it that way.

From November’s circled up toy section in the Annual Sears Christmas Catalog to the multitude of different wrapping paper selections, to Santa himself asking ME what I wanted for Christmas at the mall, to the heightened anticipation of Christmas Eve! It was all about ME!

What I wanted, what I was going to get on Christmas morning! THAT’S’s what Christmas was all about. Which toys, how much, how many?!! Shaking the Christmas presents. Guessing what could be inside. Looking for any kind of tear along the side that might give us a little peek as to what it could be!

What could be better than a holiday that’s set up to be all about yourself. Or…

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Hiding in plain sight.

Over many years of practice I can hide in plain sight.  I do not mean in a physical sense exactly. Being around others without engaging in typical conversation is what I can do well.  When I get into a conversation it will have little to do with how I am feeling or actual functionality . I’m known for expression my thoughts in very lengthy fashion but I am also capable of saying nothing.  Both ways allow me to hide how I am really functioning behind a stream of words that act as a smoke screen.

My tendency is to use this message system to keep people at arms length lest they understand how difficult it is for me to keep going.  It is one way to hide the fact that I know I don’t have it together. I’m the tough guy who has faced serious medical problems and survived.  I often hide how hard the ongoing battle is. I use my stoic face and words. I often choose to play this part of me rather than share that my pain kept me awake and on the verge of tears and angry words most of the night.

Why? To continue showing others just how I’m doing. Tough,  laid-back and stoic is the persona I choose to use. This way keeps me from expecting support and encouragement. After many years of rarely doing well I choose not to let people in lest they tire of knowing my situation yet not respond any longer.  Easy to take offense when I’m ignored so I hide in plain sight yet not allow others to see past the mask I wear. It keeps me safe from the indifference of others. I choose to be alone rather than be expecting support that might not come even if I shared how I am doing which is often not very well.

I am not sure what I want to do about this tactic but at least I have exposed it to only the few people who read my rare posts on my blog. I retain my mask to hide behind to protect my  image ………☮ph

“This Is Why I Don’t Go To Church!”

This is from a friend I respect. She is also one of my favorite singer/song writers.

Fields to Brick

I said into the microphone, “The bible say’s…..” and before I could finish my sentence I heard a man’s voice in the room say “Ok! She’s going to start preaching, time for me to go!!” He stood up quickly, grabbed his wife and was out the door before I finished the sentence…. which was “The bible say’s in Proverbs that (to sing a joyful song to a heavy heart is like pouring vinegar on an open wound), so this is why the blues is so healing for so many of us.” I went on to sing my song and throughout the song I felt even more heavy in my heart for the man and the woman that had left and I wondered to myself, “why?”

Lord, open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers and let our hearts be led by mercy. If we’re to do…

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Are you a drain?

myrightsideuplife

IMG_0575

My parents and I spent the week out-of-state at my sister’s house. She already has a full house with a husband, four boys, including ten year old twins, two dogs and seven chickens.  Eggna is my favorite.

Psalm 127:3, “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.” NIV

DEVOURED

We ate up all the food, used up all the soap, shampoo and conditioner not to mention extra water and electricity. We had dual coffee pots brewing every morning and drained them dry. She prepared meals and washed endless dishes. When we left she had extra sheets and towels to wash. We infringed on her time and disrupted her home school schedule.

Deuteronomy 28:42, “All thy trees and fruit of thy land shall the locust consume.” KJV

ARE YOU A DRAIN?

I was all take and no give.  It’s not like I can help with the dishes…

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I WOULD RATHER DIE LIVING THAN LIVE DYING

Thought this would be a good blog to share. I read her blog when it hits my email. I’ve made the decision to live until I die too. Music is my life now. ……☮ph

myrightsideuplife

FullSizeRender - Copy (25) After months of planning a trip to Yellowstone National Park with my dad and nephew, the government shut down of 2013 forced us to postpone our trip for one year.  Then I got sick.  Not one to let anything, including myasthenia gravis slow me down, I accepted my sister’s offer to accompany us.  My family was worried.  My disease was not stable and our itinerary would take us to remote areas with limited access to medical care.  I went anyway.

John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”  KJV

LIVE UNTIL YOU DIE

My grandfather lived to be ninety one years old.  Until two weeks before he died he walked on a treadmill located in his basement.  He wasn’t fast, but he walked every day.  Sitting in a chair he characteristically slung…

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